Weasley, You Idiot!
by Sheila B
Summary: Draco has bad news for Ron. SLASH
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: Weasley-You Idiot!  
  
By: Sheila Bailey  
  
Email: [1]freerose28@hotmail.com  
  
Rated: PG13 for now.  
  
Summary: Ron and Draco have a little problem. 1. They had sex. 2. Draco has some bad news for Ron. Humor, parody. R/DM.  
  
Notes: One of my pet peeves in HP slash is when Draco is turned into (with all seriousness on the part of the author) some kind of girly boy. I'm poking fun at this, not intending to pick on any one fic specifically.  
  
Disc: Not mine.  
  
**  
  
" I think Malfoy is going to throw up," said Hermione, she gestured with her breakfast spoon across the Great Hall at the Slytherin table.  
  
"He doesn't look so good,"Harry agreed. Just then, Draco stood up, knocking his chair back with a clatter, and ran from the hall with his hand over his mouth.  
  
Oh my God, Ron thought. He really is sick. He actually wanted to run after Draco, just to see if he was alright, but he restrained himself. It was just one night, two months ago, he didn't owe Draco anything. Nope. Nothing. He didn't care at all, Really.  
  
"Draco's been throwing up for three days!" Pansy Parkinson whined as she passed by Harry, Ron and Hermione with her Slytherin girls. "I keep telling him he should see Madame Pomfrey."  
  
Three days? Maybe I should go talk to him, Ron mused. But he's MALFOY, you aren't supposed to care about whether he's feeling well or not.  
  
But I do.  
  
Sort of.  
  
**  
  
One week later.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle hurried down the main hallway, looking around nervously as they headed for the Slytherin dorms.  
  
"You've got it?" Draco hissed, opening the door to the bathroom just an inch.  
  
"We snuck out at lunch. I still think you should tell a teacher," Goyle rumbled.  
  
"No!" Draco said. "This is humiliating enough!" He grabbed the plastic bag they handed him and shut the door in their faces.  
  
"D'you need any-uh-help?" Crabbe asked.  
  
"No, I don't need any help, I think that, being 15 years old, I have mastered this simple biological function!"  
  
A few sounds from inside the bathroom.  
  
"Are you done yet?"  
  
"It says I have to wait 5 minutes,"Draco said.  
  
Long pause.  
  
"Done yet?"  
  
"No, you half baked morons!"  
  
Another long pause.  
  
"Okay, now it's done. Let's see what it says. I really don't think I'm..." Draco let out a howl of rage. "Weasley, you idiot!"  
  
Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other. They knew Draco was smarter than they were, and usually they never questioned him, but why was he yelling at Ron Weasley, who wasn't even in the room?  
  
**  
  
"Weasley, I wanna talk to you."  
  
"Somebody's on the warpath," Harry commented. A small blond person was baring down on them, fists clenched, with a furious look on his face. Draco shoved Ron into an unused classroom and threw the tiny box on the desk.  
  
"Look at this."  
  
"It's a Muggle pregnancy test,"Ron said, confused.  
  
"Yes. It's MY Muggle pregnancy test. I'm freaking pregnant, Weasley, and it's YOUR fault."  
  
"How is it my fault?"  
  
"Because I haven't slept with anyone else since I slept with you, and I've ruled out everything else, including appendicitis and being cursed. We didn't use a condom, remember? We thought that since we were both boys, and hadn't been with that many other people, that it would be okay."  
  
"And it should have been, "Ron protested. "Men can't have babies. One man can't get another man pregnant."  
  
"Yeah? And people can't stay alive for 12 years after their bodies are gone, or survive the Avada Kedavra curse. And no one's ever set a giant basilisk loose in the halls of our school. Anything is possible in our world, including, apparently, men getting pregnant. "  
  
"If it is true,"Ron began awkwardly,"I'll help you."  
  
"I don't need your help, and I don't want it. I can handle this on my own, I just thought you ought to know what you did to me,"Draco snapped, and stormed out of the room.  
  
**  
  
"Professor Snape? I have a big problem."  
  
"Yes, Draco?" Snape smiled at him. He could always make time for his favorite student.  
  
"I know you've got a lot of potions and things, you being a Potions Master and all, and I well, I need-"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I need something that will get rid of a baby!" Draco blurted out.  
  
"Oh, Draco," Snape's heart sank. "Pansy was afraid to come to me on her own? You did a good, gentlemanly thing taking responsibility for your actions."  
  
"Pansy?" Draco gasped. "No, Professor, I need it for myself. I'm pregnant."  
  
"Your father did have that talk with you about the difference between boys and girls, correct?" Snape asked.  
  
"I know it doesn't make any sense, but I'm pregnant, and I need to get rid of this-thing- quickly before I start showing."  
  
"Those potions are illegal, Draco. "  
  
"Sir, I don't care, just get this thing out of me,"Draco pleaded.  
  
"I'm sorry, I can't help you. I wish I could, but I can't."  
  
At this point, Draco began to cry, burying his face in Snape's robes. Snape patted his back awkwardly.  
  
"There, there. It will all work out." Wasn't that the thing to say to someone who was crying? He wasn't sure; he'd never been forced to comfort someone before.  
  
"No, it won't, "Draco sobbed. "I'm a pregnant teenager. I'll have to quit school and spend my days knitting baby booties. My father will disown me, and with me being a high school drop out, and Weasley being well, Weasley, we'll be poor! We'll be poor and my child will grow up uneducated and-and -and POOR!"  
  
**  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:freerose28@hotmail.com 


	2. 

TITLE: Weasley, You Idiot! 2/3  
  
This was supposed to be just a silly fic, so I haven't gone as deeply in depth as I would have wanted to try and do. But hopefully I will write more Ron/Draco in the future.  
  
  
  
"You can't stop me, Weasley."  
  
"You're not playing today,"Ron insisted. He stood in front of the changing rooms exit, knowing that Draco wouldn't be able to get past him. "What if..?"  
  
"I go out there and do really well and Slytherin wins?"  
  
"What if the-?"  
  
Draco clapped his hand over Ron's mouth.   
  
"What the hell are you doing? Don't go blabbing it around!"  
  
"But there are bludgers, you could get hit,"Ron said when Draco removed his hand.   
  
"I'm touched by your concern. I know you're only interested in protecting that Thing, and I can assure you that nothing will happen to it."  
  
"Don't call the baby a thing!" Ron cried.   
  
The entire changing room fell silent and turned to stare.   
  
"Malfoy, you're pregnant?" Someone finally asked.  
  
"Yes!" Draco sighed. "Yes, I am having Ron Weasley's baby. Yes, I know you've all just thought up about a dozen clever jokes. "  
  
"Cool!" Another voice said. The team applauded and cheered while Ron looked half proud of himself and half like he wanted to die.   
  
**  
  
"I can't believe Slytherin won," Hermione said. The team was congregating on the sand in the middle of the pitch, surrounded by teachers and students. Draco was the last to arrive, sliding in on his broomstick. He held the Snitch above his head triumphantly. Draco climbed off his broom, handed the Snitch to Madame Hooch and stood there, swaying.  
  
"Oh Bugger,"He muttered before he fell backwards in a faint.  
  
"Oh No!" Ron started to run down the field, Hermione followed, more out of curiosity than any concern for Draco.   
  
"Ron, what's going on?"  
  
"That's the mother of my child! Madame Hooch! You have to get a doctor, Malfoy is pregnant!"  
  
"He's what?"  
  
"Pregnant. He and I- I'm the father!" Ron blurted out, his face turning bright red.   
  
Hermione began to laugh and cry at the same time. Pansy Parkinson just cried, bitter tears of disappointment and rage.   
  
"Weasley, you idiot, haven't you heard of a condom?" Seamus asked.  
  
  
**  
  
"Hey,"Ron said softly as he entered the hospital wing. "How are you feeling?"  
  
Draco, who looked very small in the school issued pajamas that were too big for him, lay with his head propped up on pillows and scowled sleepily at Ron.   
  
"A lot worse now that you've shown up."  
  
"Is the baby alright?"  
  
"It's fine. Madame Pomfrey says I'm doing just fine, except that I need to take vitamins and start eating properly. She also explained that I am not the first wizard male to give birth. Imagine that. "  
  
"I'd rather not."  
  
"The doctors say that I can't actually give birth to the baby the normal way, since I have no birth canal, so they'll be doing a C-section in 6 months. Lucky me. Remind me again why I let you top me?"  
  
"I can't even figure out why I ever slept with you in the first place."  
  
"Because we're both really hot looking, horny boys, that's why. At least our child will be pretty and pureblooded. Since it's parents will be poor, gay, high school dropouts, He/She's gonna need all the help it can get. "  
  
"Can I-?" Ron reached out a hand, tentatively, toward Draco.   
  
"Can you what?"  
  
Ron pulled back Draco's blankets and lifted up the other boy's pajama top. He touched a hand to Draco's slightly rounded stomach and let it rest there.  
  
"That's our baby? For real? We made this?"  
  
Draco nodded.   
  
"Stop touching me, your hands are cold."  
  
** 


	3. 

TITLE: weasley, you idiot! 3/3  
  
  
Summary: Draco's dealing with hormones and weight gain.  
  
**  
  
Ron heard whimpering coming from the private room in the hospital wing. He opened the door cautiously.  
  
"Draco? I brought your homework."  
  
"Put id on the table," Draco sniffled. His eyes and nose were red and puffy and the trash can was overflowing with dirty tissues. Draco had been bedridden for several weeks now, Ron would bring him his school work, Draco would promise to do it and Ron would end up finishing it for him. Currently, Draco was sitting in the bed, his short legs stuck out in front of him, and he had been crying. He was watching a battery operated Muggle television set, slurping on a blue Slushie and eating handfuls of Every Flavor Beans without seeming to care what flavors they were. The floor was littered with wrappers from chocolates, toffees and Chocolate Frogs.   
  
"What happened?" Ron asked. This was getting to be routine, the doctors had warned him that Draco's hormones would be in overdrive sometimes.   
  
"Why can't Sonny just admit he loves Carly?" Draco hiccupped. "They're so perfect for each other!"  
  
"Why aren't you drinking your orange juice? I took the pulp out for you."  
  
"Didn't feel like it. "  
  
"You have to stay healthy,"Ron said "Where's the chicken soup my Mum made for you?"  
  
"I ate it already. But I was still hungry so I ate all the candy from Mother's care package." Draco haughtily brushed crumbs off his designer maternity robes. "I'd kill for a beer or a fag right now. How do girls do this?"  
  
"I don't know, "Ron admitted. "Mum had six of us. She said Bill really hurt but after Charlie it got easier. Think of it this way, at least you don't have to actually push a baby out of your body. They're just going to cut you open."  
  
"How is that any better? I'll have a scar on my stomach. I liked my stomach the way it was and I'll probably never get all this weight off either," Draco began to cry again. "I feel like a fucking beached whale!"   
  
"No, no you're not.."  
  
"I am! I'm a tub! And you don't want me anymore now that I'm fat!"  
  
"It's just- being with a pregnant person would be really weird. And a pregnant man? "  
  
"I knew it. I knew I was ugly! I'm a freaking freak. "  
  
Ron put his head in his hands.   
  
"The doctor said that pregnancy can be the most erotic time for a couple."  
  
"Yeah, but-"  
  
"You got me pregnant, Weasley. You have to give me what I want or you'll feel guilty. I know it."  
  
"Okay, FINE!" Ron snapped.   
  
"I think I've changed my mind,"Draco said. "I don't want to be with you when you're in one of your Moods. I have something better in mind."  
  
Draco grinned sadistically through his drying tears. He reached behind his pillows and pulled out a magazine.  
  
"Nooo,"Ron moaned. "I know it excites you but I refuse to look at those again!"  
  
"Come on, Weasley, you'll like them, I promise. "Draco patted the space next to him on the bed. "Check this one out.."  
  
He opened Home Decorator Magazine to the page he'd earmarked and showed it to Ron.   
  
"I'm rather partial to the yellow ducks, although we'll have to change it when the child grows up a bit. But yellow ducks work for either boys or girls and since we don't know what we're having yet, I thought some neutral color or non gender specific designs."   
  
"How are you feeling this afternoon?" Professor Snape poked his head in the door.   
  
"Just fine, Sir,"Draco beamed. "Ron and I are picking out nursery wallpaper." 


	4. 

"Your mother has just owled me, to inform me that your father is hiding under his desk with a bottle of port and he refuses to come out."  
  
Ron snickered and Draco shot him an irritated glance.  
  
"She told him the bad news, I take it."  
  
"You can expect a Howler sometime tomorrow,"said Professor Snape. "You should expect one as well, Mr. Weasley."  
  
Not from his own parents. He had already told them everything. It had been the most humiliating moment of his life, first having to confess that he was gay, then having to confess that he had gone out a couple of times with Malfoy, and slept with him, and finally, gotten him pregnant by mysterious magical means.  
  
The twins found this hysterical.  
  
"Malfoy is pregnant? How is he going to manage?" George asked through his laughter. "He's so little!"  
  
"Shut up!" Ron found himself shouting.  
  
"Try to show a little consideration for your brother," Dad admonished the twins. Ginny nodded in agreement.  
  
"Poor Draco, He must be so embarrassed. Mum, we should bake him cookies."  
  
Draco's family, on the other hand, had apparently hit the roof when they were told of what had happened. Lucius especially was furious, because Draco had waited six months to tell them. He ranted that if Draco had only come to him earlier, they could have aborted the child and there would be no problem now. This only cemented Ron's hatred for Mr. Malfoy.  
  
"It could have been worse, I suppose," Draco said. "I'm still alive." He made a face. "Owwwww!"  
  
"What?" Ron panicked.  
  
"It kicked me. It just bloody kicked me!"  
  
"Calm down!" Ron snapped. "It happens."  
  
"I will not calm down. My own child is attacking me!" Draco pounded his little fists against the mattress. "I hate this! I hate it, hate it, hate it!"  
  
"Shhh, shhh", Ron grabbed his hand instinctually and began stroking the back. "Breathe."  
  
"Ahhhhrrrrhhh" Draco howled and threw his tissue box across the room. Professor Snape seemed to be trying really hard not to laugh.  
  
"I'll just-leave you two alone, shall I?" He smirked and swept out.  
  
"I can't stand that man,"Ron said.  
  
"Oh, he's not that bad. He's kind of cool, actually. "  
  
"Cool?"  
  
"He lets us stay up late and he buys us candy. And he lies to Father about my grades."  
  
"He does not," Ron snorted.  
  
"Okay, he doesn't do any of those things really. But he's still cool. "  
  
"How ?"  
  
Draco stuffed a Pumpkin Pastie in his mouth.  
  
"Cause heth the only teacher who's never treated me like dirt because of my last name."  
  
"Well, he's the only teacher who DOES treat me like dirt because of my last name," Ron countered.  
  
"Not because of your name, because of Potter's and you hang around with Potter. He's just awful to you because you're a moron."  
  
"Yeah? Well, screw you."  
  
Draco patted his stomach.  
  
"You already did. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here."  
  
"You want a knuckle sandwich, Malfoy?"  
  
"You wouldn't hit a pregnant person," Draco said smugly. He turned up the volume on the TV and focused his attention on it.  
  
And Draco was right. Ron would never have been able to get violent with him in his current state. He couldn't hit a pregnant person any more than he could hit an old person, or someone with glasses. Now that Draco was carrying his baby, it was like they were sort of a couple, and if one person in a couple hit the other one, that was like domestic violence or something.  
  
"Oh, it's that show!" Draco said. "There's this program on the Muggle television, with this man who wakes up on a space ship and he's the only human left of his crew. And there's this bald headed robot, and a bossy, sort of see through person called a hologram, and a talking box and a person who evolved from a cat. It's hilarious, you have to see it."  
  
"You're putting me on."  
  
"No, I'm serious. Look." Draco gestured at the TV with his remote control. "I don't get most of the jokes, but crap blows up all the time and that's pretty funny. Apparently, it is a parody of a couple of other shows that are even weirder. Like, there's this old, old show where this man travels through time in a fellytone booth, and in each time period, he looks different so you have to figure out which one he is. The scenery is the fakest looking stuff I've ever seen."  
  
" Muggles are really strange."  
  
"Sometimes I think they try to trick us and have the man played by a completely different actor."  
  
"That's not fair," said Ron. He shifted on the bed to get a better look at the TV.  
  
"I heard they had a show that's got all gay men, and they have sex with each other all the time," Draco sounded awed. "With nudity and everything. It's not porn, it's a real tv show."  
  
"Okay, Malfoy,"Ron snorted. "Now you're making things up."  
  
TBC. 


	5. 

"I want the drugs!" Draco ordered.  
  
"Sir, you'll have to leave now," the nurse told Ron. Hermione gently guided him into the waiting room and sat him down in a chair.  
  
"What if the doctor hurts him?" Ron worried.  
  
"Relax, he knows exactly what he's doing."  
  
"But what if he doesn't? What if he's one of those fakes, who doesn't have a real license? "  
  
"He's perfectly competent, Ron. Here, drink some coffee."  
  
Ron put the cup back down on the table. He stood and began pacing.  
  
"I can't believe I'm really here."  
  
"Neither can anyone else," Harry said dryly.  
  
"I'm going to be a dad!"  
  
"Yes, we know."  
  
"Are Draco's parents coming?" Hermione asked.  
  
"No. His father has a "business" meeting, and his mother won't come without his father."  
  
"Oh."  
  
They were silent for the next 2 hours.  
  
"Congratulations, it's a boy!" the doctor stuck his head out the door, still in his operation scrubs.  
  
"Oh my god!" Hermione squealed. Ron hugged both his friends and ran in to see his baby. Draco was sleeping off the surgery, and the nurse handed him the baby with a shhhing gesture. The baby was tiny, and red and covered with some really gross looking stuff, but he had Draco's gray eyes.  
  
"He's beautiful" Harry whispered.  
  
'Wanna hold him?"  
  
"I-I don't know how."  
  
"You have to support his head, like this-"Ron demonstrated. "Watch out, they're heavier than they seem".  
  
"Oh look, "Draco mumbled. "It's Potter and Granger. Yay."  
  
"Go on, Shoo" said the doctor, "The child needs to be bathed, and the mother needs his rest."  
  
**  
  
Two years later. Malfoy Manor.  
  
Marius toddled toward him and stopped. He stuck up his arms and gave Ron a winning smile.  
  
"Daddy. Up." He demanded.  
  
"What do you say?" Ron asked. The little boy's brow furrowed for a second.  
  
"Daddy, Up, Now?" He said.  
  
Ron sighed and scooped him up.  
  
"I was trying to get him to say "Please" he said to Draco.  
  
"Malfoys don't say please."  
  
"Peas!" the child giggled.  
  
"He's completely hopeless,"Draco said.  
  
"I don't want him growing up to be rude"  
  
"Maybe you should spend more time with him then,"Draco said testily. Ron shifted the baby's weight on his hip. They had this fight almost every time he came to visit Marius.  
  
"I would if I could. I love him, you know that. But it's not like I live next door, and I have school. "  
  
"Uh-I have school too."  
  
"Yeah, but you have custody of him, and I don't. When you come home on weekends and holidays, you get to see him. "  
  
"He lives with me because my family has better resources and more room."  
  
"And explain to me why that's my fault?"  
  
"It's not!"Draco groaned. "I know it's not, I just get so frustrated, he keeps asking for you, and I have to keep telling him that you can't come over."  
  
"It doesn't have to be this way," Ron said quietly. Draco nodded and turned away.  
  
"You want something to eat?"  
  
"Sure, I guess."  
  
Draco was avoiding the issue, the way he always did. He refused to discuss the possibility of them getting married, or moving in together. The house elf arrived with a plate of sandwiches and three glasses of milk. Ron would never get over how quickly the servants responded to Draco. He'd barely pulled the bell.  
  
"So, um-how's your Mum?" Draco asked. He was helping Marius drink milk out of a plastic cup, mainly trying to keep him from spilling or throwing it.  
  
"She's fine. She won a prize from Witch Weekly for her Patriotic Sponge Cake."  
  
"Ooh,"Draco's eyes lit up. "How much?"  
  
"A year's free subscription, and a T-shirt that says "I Take The Cake".  
  
"Well, that's good for her. I like her. "  
  
"And you? What's going on with your family?"  
  
"My father still tries to pretend Marius doesn't exist. He won't speak to him, or hold him, and if he's the only one in the room when the kid starts crying, he'll walk all the way across the house to find someone else to take care of it. And he refers to my son as "It".  
  
"What a bastard."  
  
"Don't talk that way about my father, "Draco snapped. "That's just the way Father is."  
  
Draco studied the floor and jiggled the baby on his lap. Ron noticed how tired he looked, maybe exhausted was a better word.  
  
"You look like you need some sleep," he said. "I'll hold him, you go take a nap."  
  
He played and talked with the boy for an hour or two before Marius' eyes began to close. He carried Marius upstairs, changed him into his pajamas and put him to bed. As he was walking back down the hall, he heard a muffled sound from Draco's bedroom. Ron paused at the door. Soft gasps and hitching breaths were coming from the other side. He'd heard that sound before, and Ron knew it meant that Draco was crying. 


	6. 

Ron knocked on the door.  
  
"Draco? You alright?"  
  
"G'way" a muffled voice answered.  
  
"Draco, please?" Ron turned the knob and tiptoed inside. Draco was lying on his bed, knees curled up to his chest. He attempted to hide his tear- streaked face when he noticed Ron sitting on the edge of his mattress.  
  
"Do you wanna talk about it?"  
  
"Of course I don't want to talk about it,"Draco sneered.  
  
"Is it-your father?"  
  
"No, it's YOU." Draco rolled over and buried his face in a pillow. "Why do you have to exist? Why do you have to be in my life?"  
  
"I thought we were over the whole hating each other issue," Ron said. He found himself reaching out to rub Draco's back.  
  
"I wish I'd never met you and I wish I didn't find you so damn gorgeous. You ruined my life."  
  
"I didn't mean to! I had no idea you were going to get pregnant. After all, how often does that happen to a man?"  
  
"Just go away."  
  
"We're in this together."  
  
"Oh, you are SUCH a Gryffindor!"Draco muttered. "Ron, I'm so tired."  
  
"I know, I know."Ron lay down next to him, lacing Draco's fingers with his own.  
  
"I don't think you do. I study; study, and study to get good marks at school, just in case my completely insane father decides to cut me off and I can't live on his money anymore. When I come home for holidays, I have to raise a child. This was not how my life was supposed to be."  
  
"I never expected to have feelings for you other than wanting to rip your head off. "  
  
Draco snickered into his pillow.  
  
"It's quite funny, actually," he admitted.  
  
"Something to tell the grandkids."  
  
"And at least Father won't have to worry about the line stopping with me. " Surprisingly, Draco rolled over and snuggled up to Ron. "Mother said I always land on my feet."  
  
Ron was slightly frightened by the concept that Draco was trying to cuddle. Draco must have been really tired, and Ron must have been just as tired because he had no interest in pushing Draco away. They fell asleep that way, and a few minutes later, Marius climbed into bed with them.  
  
The next thing he knew, Ron was awakened by a flash of light in his eyes.  
  
"Put the blasted camera away, woman!" Lucius was saying.  
  
"I can't help it, they're so adorable!" Narcissa cooed.  
  
The End for now.  
  
A/N I think I rushed things a little, but I wanted to do something fairly light and fluffy, that I didn't take too seriously. 


End file.
